>===the walkway is unwinding.. i'll find a way to turn back===<
rachel. pearl. rach. rachey. pearlash. che. chechers. whatever.
eldest. sister. daughter. friend. bestfriend. enemy.
seventeen. 091888.
Gracean. Benildean. BSBA-Human Resource Management.
introvert. critic. procrastinated. melancholic.
radical. opinionated. versatile. mysterious.
musically-inclined. singer. semi-dancer. frustrated guitarist.
theater girl. actress. antagonist. villain.
books over tv. radio (music/talks) rather than movies.
suffers from vertigo and migraine plus ulcer and hyperacidity.
black. red. pink. green. apple green. bronze. brown. orange. yellow.
ISCFer. lcdc2k2-2k3.
worshipper-daughter-believer-lover of Jesus.
"...looks could be deceiving."
"...try to see what's within.. you'll never know."
after almost half a year.. i'm back..
Sunday, March 13, 2005
i couldn't help but turn back to my online friend.. i missed blogging for a long time. oh well.. it's almost 2am, and i'm still here, wide awake. i've been chatting with my friends all the while since 10pm. it's nice to hear a lot about their lives, experiences, and stuff.. i learn through it. i was just talking to my new friend, gino, a while ago regarding his anxieties and all. i also shared about my problems and worries to him and to few other friends of mine.. la lang.. i've just realized that God has been really faithful to me. eventhough i've lost a really close friend of mine (i guess), He provided another person that would satisfy me and eventually become my friend. =) reminiscing is all i've been through this day.. thinking about what experiences happened to me in my whole hs life. sad, but i have to face the reality of leaving the portals of GCHS. i'm a few step closer to the exit gates of my hs, but still reaching out for the windows that would be surely open for me to glance thru. i'm still worried about a lot of things. all these times, i thought that everything's doing fine in our class.. well, actually, that's what everyone's thinking. after all those bonding sessions, open forums, gimmicks, adventures we've had together, we all thought that our friendship would remain as is.. the "strong" one. but everything's seemed to change.. we're somehow divided into groups that would determine our stand in life, our personality. i couldn't blame myself if i chose not to get into those cut-class thing just to escape boredom in those grad practices and seminars.. though the exchange would be the fact that i'm going to miss the fun that my friends' would surely have. i admit, i've been through fun experiences with them.. and most of it weren't even known by my parents. i kept it for the sake of sticking around to my friends so we could hang out freely. every person has his/her own perspective and beliefs in life.. we have our own choices and all. and for me, i've finally chosen the path that is not that usually taken by travellers. the path which is slightly used by people.. that is usually taken by few travellers. though it's hard to face the fact that i'm slowly slipping away from my close friends, in a way.. it still brings a sigh of relief to think that i've finally chosen my right stand in life. i'm not saying this to blame and offend those people.. i'm just bringing up my side in here. i haven't told this to anyone yet.. it's up to you to read this one, and i hope you'll understand my point. if ever they would be wondering why i'm not always hanging around with them. oh well.. this is the reality of life. we have to make decisions that would affect people who are close to you. i can't help but say that i'm missing my friends badly.. i'm not saying that i'll be drifting away from them completely.. and i surely won't ever do. i'm sorry if i've somehow hurt your feelings.. well, at least i've explained my part. i hope you'll understand. oh well.. another thing is that i'm losing someone special.. special in a way that i've treated that person as my bestfriend. =( for some reasons, it was my fault. all those times, i'm being too self-centered.. all i do is stay away from him to get rid of my true feelings inside. yes, i've fallen for him.. unexpectedly, but yeah, i did. i was reflecting upon this feelings for some time before.. blaming myself to be so stupid enough to fall for someone that i shouldn't be falling for. i hated the fact that i'm falling for him. if i could just tie my heart and lock it just to seal my emotions.. but i couldn't. i felt so unfair.. i'm loving him secretly while all the time he's just expecting plain friendship from me. all i want is plain friendship, but look what i've got.. i couldn't blame him.. he's so much to become any girl's ideal man. smart, witty, sociable, good-looking (haha).. and many more. i've finally told him about this secret of me, after.. a secret that might spill out the water in the jars of our friendship. i'm not that sure on his reaction, but at least i've been honest til the end. it's up to him to react on it.. WELL, THIS FEELING IS JUST BEFORE, TAKE NOTE.. right now, i'm over that feeling, of that guilt that's striking in me. and i'm really happy about it. =) like what gino have told me last night when i've shared this prob.. we don't need love as an intimacy. God needed not an intimate realtionship with us to show how much he loves us. i definitely agree with that. thanks, dude! haaii.. but still, i'm longing for that friendship we used to have. i'm missing it badly.. for a time, he has been my faithful confidante, mentor, cheerer when i'm feeling down, spirit-lifter, and encourager. so much to ask for a friend. i'm so thankful to God that He has given me a friend like him. waaahh.. i really blame myself. but if ever God only gave him to me to be a lesson and mind-opener, i'll accept it. thanks, Lord. nice one! =) but you know that i would be happier if you'll bring back our past friendship. *whew* did i just told everything about it?! woah.. i couldn't believe i'm gonna spill it all out in here. well, at least, i've got relief.. less worries. once again.. thank you, Lord for the peaceful heart and mind you've given me. i love you, Lord God..
broke a leg at 3:12 AM